Handling Hostility
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I wonder who you feel you’ve been wronged by? I’m conscious that some of us have been wronged in very big and painful ways. But the rest of us have been wronged in smaller ways, so I guess all of us can think of people who make us feel angry about how they’ve treated us, and whom we struggle to relate to without that anger coming out.
Well, in a fallen world being wronged – being sinned against – is always going to be part of our experience. Which is why God inspired so many parts of the Bible to help us deal with it. And one of them is this morning’s passage in our series in Romans. So would you turn to Romans 12, and look at v9, where we began last week. v9:
Love must be sincere [or real].
And this week we’ll see how that includes love for those who wrong us. Eg, look down to v20:
If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
Which is not what the world would call natural behaviour. I don’t know if you followed the story of Jimmy Mizen, the sixteen-year-old killed in London last year. Here’s what The Telegraph said under the headline ‘Bravo to Jimmy Mizen’s mother for rejecting revenge’:
Last Saturday Jimmy Mizen had his throat cut. By Monday, Mrs Mizen was already speaking with forgiveness. Clearly devastated, but just as clearly unmoved by the temptation to sound the familiar notes of hatred and vengeance, she said: "I want to say to the parents of this other boy that I feel so sorry for them. We've got such lovely memories of Jimmy and they will have such sorrow about their son.
Which of us could manage this? The urge to cry vengeance feels natural, it feels like justice. But it is not justice. And Mrs Mizen's words (however less natural-seeming) are consonant with the kind of Christian values that are often preached but seldom practised.
So we’re not talking about natural behaviour, this morning, but supernatural behaviour. Which is why I want us to look back to v1 to remind ourselves what empowers it, what is its source. v1:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy...
So let’s look back further to remind ourselves of the mercy of God that Romans 1-11 is all about. Would you turn back to chapter 5 and v6-8, which goes to the heart of God’s mercy to us:
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly [ie, the God-rejecting – us]. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners [still in rebellion against him], Christ died for us.
Then look on to v10 which talks about how:
when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son...
So our very life as Christians depends on the fact that God loved us as his enemies – and that he anticipated all the wrong we’d ever do him, and gave his Son to die so that it could be forgiven forever rather than held against us forever. (So if you wouldn’t yet call yourself a Christian, please don’t think that for you to come into relationship with God will take a long process of trying to make yourself good enough – you can’t, and God accepts us on the basis of his mercy, not our merits. He’ll accept you not by you being good enough, but simply if you turn to him.) So now turn back to chapter 12 and v1:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy...
Ie, the love for those who wrong us that we’re looking at this morning flows out of knowing what it is to be a sinner on the receiving end of God’s mercy, through the cross. And nothing else can empower that kind of supernatural behaviour. So I can describe it to you, but that can’t change you. Only living on the receiving end of the cross with a lively faith can do that. So let’s now look at vv17-21 and my first heading is:
First, REACT RIGHTLY TO BEING WRONGED (vv17-18)
Look at Romans 12, v17:
Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Now some people think Paul had in mind the persecutors he mentioned back in v14. And that ‘anyone’ certainly includes them, but isn’t limited to them. This is about anyone who wrongs us in any way: a family member who’s treating us unreasonably, an employer who treats us badly, a marriage partner (and maybe parent as well) who walks out on us, a neighbour who’s utterly anti-social towards us, a teenage child who can only find fault with us (I think of the mother who said to me recently,
‘God makes babies cute so you want to love them, and he makes teenagers monsters so you want them to leave home.’
That’s somewhat dodgy theology, but makes the point). It includes being wronged by non-Christian people because they don’t like us living or speaking for Christ. And it includes being wronged by our fellow-Christians – which can feel much worse because we expect so much more from them.
But whatever the situation, we’re not to repay evil for evil. To retaliate is our natural reaction, and is wrong. Yet it springs from something that’s deeply right, namely, our sense of justice. And we see that most clearly with the biggest of wrongs. Eg, I remember an interview with a mother whose son had been killed by an IRA man who, under the Good Friday agreement was let out of prison after just five years. And she simply said,
‘We thought our son was worth more than that.’
Ie, we want the person responsible to be punished in a way that’s proportionate to the wrong and in a way that publicly upholds the right – in this case, upholding the truth that life is precious, in the face of those who’ve held it cheap.
Now that sense of justice is right – it reflects God’s sense of justice and the fact that we’re made in his image. The trouble is: it’s always distorted by our sinfulness. So that, eg, we respond to unfair criticism with our own unfair criticism; or to a bad employer by being a bad employee; or to racism by being racist in return. Which is why justice, in the Bible, is taken out of our hands as private individuals, as the offended parties, and placed in God’s hands – which we’ll come on to in my next heading. So, v17 again:
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. [Rather,] Be careful [literally, give thought] to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
So, eg, the last vicar I served with always wrote on the top of his meeting agendas, ‘KEEP MOUTH SHUT’ – in big red felt pen. Because he knew from experience that reacting immediately is probably the greatest opportunity for sin. And when we feel the sap of anger rising in us, we need to be very careful with our tongues. But ‘give thought to do what is right’ also rules out giving thought to how we might get back at someone – or could have got back at them if only we’d been more on the ball. How many conversations have you either imagined, or replayed in your mind, where you wipe the floor with the other person? (Or am I the only one?)
But we’re not to retaliate with either our tongues or our thoughts. And yet both can feel so cathartic, can’t they? As someone put it,
‘The really dangerous thing about revenge is that it feels so right.’
But according to v17, we’re not to do what feels right, but what is right. So what’s the right reaction to unfair criticism? Well, to live it down, rather than argue it down. What’s the right reaction to a bad employer? Colossians 3.23,
‘Work... with all your heart, as working for the Lord not men.’
What’s the right reaction to fellow-Christians who’ve let you down? Colossians 3.13,
‘Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’
Because grievances are the one thing that never get better with nursing. So, brothers and sisters, don’t let yours infect your Christian life – or this church. Sort them out.
Now at the heart of all those reactions lies forgiveness. But what does forgiveness mean? It might seem obvious until you think of some harder cases. Eg, what does it mean to forgive a partner or parent who walked out on you? Perhaps the best definition is from where Psalm 103 describes God’s forgiveness:
‘he does not treat us as our sins deserve’ (Psalm 103.10)
So forgiveness means not treating the other person on the basis of their sin against us. That affects how we think about them – it means we won’t demonise them in our minds. It affects how we talk about them – it means we won’t demonise them to others, either. And it affects how we act towards them – it means nothing we do will be an attempt to get back at them. But it doesn’t mean forgetting or minimising what they’ve done (as if in many cases that was either possible or desirable). It doesn’t necessarily mean feeling any differently about them. It doesn’t necessarily mean there will be much, or even any, relating to them as a result – sometimes the best that forgiveness can do is to leave a wound that’s as clean as possible, rather than restore a relationship.
And probably the hardest case in which to forgive is when there’s no real acknowledgement of wrong done, or sorrow expressed, or attempt to put things right. And in that case, forgiveness isn’t going to bring about any reconciliation. It’s just going to be a commitment on our side not to treat that person on the basis of their sin against us.
And when it seems that the Lord is asking too much of us, to forgive a particular wrong, we need to go back to v1 and see things in view of God’s mercy to us. A friend of mine did a PhD on Thomas Cranmer – the Archbishop of Canterbury in the time of Henry VIII. And Cranmer suffered a great deal at the hands of some people early in life, whom later, when he’d risen to influence, he had the chance to get back at. But he didn’t. And he’s often been thought of as weak for that. But this friend translated Cranmer’s notebooks for the first time – where Cranmer scribbled down his thoughts about his Bible reading. And a favourite verse he often wrote out was that one we saw in Romans 5.11:
… when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son…
And his jottings show he understood that if God had forgiven him as an enemy, he could do no differently to those who’d wronged him.
But having said all that, look at v18:
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
But it doesn’t just depend on you, which is why sometimes all you can do is forgive; you can’t make the other person do what they have to for some kind of relationship to be restored. And we should not feel guilty or a false sense of responsibility if that, sadly, is the case.
So, react rightly to being wronged.
Second, LEAVE JUSTICE TO GOD (vv19)
I said earlier that our sense of justice is always distorted by sinfulness. As someone put it, ‘Revenge generally takes a little right and turns it into a great wrong.’ Which is why justice, in the Bible, is taken out of our hands as private individuals, and placed in God’s hands. So look on to v19:
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath [ie, his judgement-reaction against sin], for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
So how does God do that? Well, Romans mentions three ways in which God’s wrath (his judgement-reaction against sin) comes.
For a start, back in chapter 1.18, Paul writes about how:
The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men...
And notice he says not ‘will be revealed’ but ‘is being revealed’ – in the present. And Paul goes on in chapter 1 to talk about how God gives people over to suffer the direct consequences of their sinfulness. So, eg, think of an employer who goes back on a contract or treats you deceitfully. If that’s what he’s like in character, God will give him over to the consequences of that – namely that no-one will trust him, so that he’ll experience no friendship or love in life worth the name. That’s present wrath which comes as a direct consequence of sin.
Next, Paul talks about present wrath which comes through the authorities God has set up in this world. Look over to Romans 13.1:
Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
Skip to v4:
For he [the one in authority] is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer.
So justice is taken out of our hands as private individuals because we so easily distort it into revenge. But being told not to take revenge doesn’t mean we’re being told to do nothing. There are authorities to which we can and should go, to seek justice. So, eg, we’re not to behave in a tit for tat way with the employer who wrongs us – but we can and should take him to a tribunal. And those of us at last Wednesday’s mission focus heard about how the Christian Institute’s legal defence fund has helped Christians being discriminated against for being Christians to take their case to court, and win. And it’s vital that believers do that, and don’t just quietly accept injustices – quietly resign and move on – so that that these cases publicly establish the law for all Christians. So don’t take the command against private revenge as a command against contending for public justice. It’s not. And, by the way, Jimmy Mizen’s parents were in court and applauded the sentence handed down to their son’s murderer. But that in no way contradicts their forgiveness – they’re two different realms: the private realm of forgiveness and the public realm of justice.
So, there’s present wrath which comes as a direct consequence of sin. There’s present wrath which comes through the authorities God has set up. But ultimately, there’s future wrath on the day of judgement and beyond. And if a person’s ill-treatment of you is part of their ongoing rejection of God, and that continues to the end, they will ultimately receive eternal judgement. You can be absolutely sure they’ll get what they deserve for anything they’ve done to you or to others. But that is God’s future business, if they reject him to the end. His present business – as we’ve seen in Romans 9-11 – is patiently to extend mercy to people even in the most deep-seated rebellion against him. Which means that our present business must be to behave in such a way that people are pointed to his patience and mercy, and that will only happen if we’re behaving with patience and mercy that reflects God’s. So our mindset towards those who mistreat us, or who mistreat our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world (eg, burning their churches and killing them), is not to be, ‘You’ll get what you deserve one day’ – although if they reject him to the end, that’s true. Our mindset is to be, ‘I hope and pray you turn to Christ, because otherwise you will get what you deserve one day.’
So, react rightly to wrong; leave justice to God;
Third, MEET EVIL WITH GOOD (vv20-21)
Look on to v20. Having said, ‘Don’t take revenge,’ Paul writes vv20-21:
On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Now what does it mean, metaphorically, to ,‘heap burning coals on someone’s head’? Well, Paul’s quoting one of the Old Testament (OT) Proverbs (Proverbs 25.21-22). And the book of Proverbs seems to borrow various expressions from Egyptian writing of the time. And in Egypt, there was a ceremony for showing that you were ashamed of something you’d done and had changed your mind about it. And that ceremony was to carry a bowl of burning coals on your head. Don’t ask me why.
So I take it that Paul’s talking about doing good to those who wrong us in the hope that it’ll shame them into a change of mind. Not just thinking, ‘That’ll be good for us because they’ll be easier to live with,’ but thinking, ‘That’ll be good for them because it may be a step on the way to repentance towards God.’
I used to live in a Tyneside flat and one year I had what I can only call diabolical neighbours. They were wild, anti-social and completely beyond reasoning with. I’d move my mattress to different parts of the flat every night to try to escape their noise. And I learned that year just how much I can hate people. Well, one night I got back late to find that one of them had left his car lights on. And as I heard the usual music blaring out of their flat I thought how pleased I’d be next day to hear the starter motor churning and dying and leaving him stranded. And if anyone came and slashed his tyres in the meantime, I thought, that would be fine by me. And I was just unlocking my front door to go in when this verse came to mind. vv20-21:
If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
So I knocked on their door as I’d done numerous times in the small hours to ask them to turn their music off. This guy opened it, looked at me and said, ‘We’re not turning it off.’ And I just told him, ‘Your car lights are on’ – and went to bed. I’ve no idea whether, in God’s goodness, that did anything to shame him and put him for just a moment in touch with reality. What I do know is that, by God’s grace, I had not been overcome by evil, but had overcome evil with good.
And that’s what is really at stake in all this. To hit back when we’re wronged – in malicious thought or word or deed (or, in this case, lack of deed) – feels like a reaction of right in the face of wrong. But in fact we’ve joined the side of evil, haven’t we? We’ve been overcome by evil, we’ve not beaten them, we’ve joined them. And similarly, to withhold forgiveness feels like a weapon of power over the other person. But in fact it’s we who’ve been overpowered, isn’t it? Overcome by bitterness, overcome by unforgiveness, mastered by unforgiveness. But if we are mastered by unforgiveness – by which I don’t mean struggling to do it, but refusing to – then that is evidence that we’re not being mastered by Jesus and by the infinite mercy he’s shown us
So we come back to where we began – to the source of this supernatural behaviour: chapter 12, v1, living
‘in view of God’s mercy.’
It comes from looking at Jesus’ death on the cross and saying, ‘He did that for love of me, his enemy. That was the ultimate act of costly forgiveness, that was the ultimate example of overcoming evil with good.’
The Bible wouldn’t deny that we can receive that mercy and still struggle to love those who wrong us. But it does deny that we can receive that mercy and still refuse to.