Marriage

The UK has one of the highest divorce rates in the world. According to a report in June (The Times 15 June 1999): 'No other country in Western Europe comes close to Britain's annual rate ... the sixth biggest globally.' It is six times bigger than Italy, for example. And the problem is worse because while in some countries like America the divorce rate is now falling, in Britain it is climbing. And compared with America fewer people are getting married. We have a problem. In England and Wales there were only 2 or 3 divorces per year for centuries. It was in 1914 that the number reached 1000. It reached 10,000 in 1942. Then things changed in the sixties. And now divorce rates have got past the 150,000 per year and they are edging towards the next barrier of 200,000. And we have a problem with cohabitation - where people who cohabit - are more likely to get divorced when then marry than if they had not cohabited. We have a problem with homosexual relationships. We have a problem with paedophilia. Our sexual culture is in bad repair. You say, 'but are these problems?' The answer is 'Yes'. For some time now social science has been demonstrating that the breakdown of marriage and the traditional family is causing both adults and, more importantly, children to suffer. Professor A.H.Halsey, of Oxford and former Reith Lecturer, summarizes the research in these terms:

No one can deny that divorce, separation, birth outside marriage and one-parent families as well as cohabitation and extra-marital sexual intercourse have increased rapidly. Many applaud these freedoms. But what should be universally acknowledged is that the children of parents who do not follow the traditional norm ... are thereby disadvantaged in many major aspects of their chances of living a successful life. On the evidence available such children tend to die earlier, to have more illness, to do less well at school, to exist at a lower level of nutrition, comfort and conviviality, to suffer more unemployment, to be more prone to deviance and crime, and finally to repeat the cycle of unstable parenting from which they themselves have suffered.

Halsey, of course, is aware that we are dealing with averages. He is not maintaining that traditionally reared children are all healthy, intelligent and well-behaved; nor that children from broken and so parentally deprived homes will all turn out to be sickly, stupid and criminal. But - and this is a serious 'but' - on average what he claims will be true: 'It must,' I quote, 'be insisted that no contrary evidence is available to contradict the average differences postulated by the stated thesis.' At Jesmond Parish Church over these weeks in July and early August, we are looking together at key Issues for a New Millennium. And our subject this morning is 'Marriage'. We are wanting to face the problems and then see what the bible has to say to guide us in our thinking on these issues. How we need to do that with the regard to our subject this morning. In this whole area there are today lies, misinformation or non-information - intentional or unintentional - in schools, in social work establishments, in medicine, through the media, and in the church. And how we need to face the facts. In this country the cost of divorce, according to the Government, is now £5 billion - not £5 million - but £5 billion a year to the tax payer, and that excludes hidden costs. According to Patrick Dixon the total cost of the sexual revolution is something like £9-£10 billion per year - a huge percentage of the National Health Service budget or the Education budget. That is the hard cost of sexual immorality, of not keeping sex inside heterosexual lifelong monogamous marriage. We are not dealing with 'private morality'. This is very public issue with wide social consequences. And we do have misinformation. We have had misinformation this week from the Church of England. The Church of England's Children's Society has agreed to the possibility of placing children for adoption and fostering with homosexual couples. This is so serious. It is in clear defiance of the moral teaching of the bible. But also children do suffer in these homosexual households. The Children's Society have suggested otherwise. The problem is not so much with the parenting skills of the parents. These gay parents are often relatively educated. The problem rather is when the children have to interface with the outside world. Here is how one pro-gay researcher puts it:

children may fear being ostracized and isolated if their mothers' sexual orientation becomes known ... Girls, more than boys, commonly fear that they, too, will be gay or that people will think they are gay.

And then she adds,

out of fear of discovery of their mothers homosexuality, these children can become anxious, withdrawn, hypervigilant, or secretive, and may attempt to control their mothers' behaviour. Some children, particularly as they approach their teens, shy away from friends and refuse to bring them home out of concern that someone will 'find out'.

And this is pro-gay research. So children are not only morally corrupted in such households, there is a good chance they will be emotionally and psycho-sexually harmed as well in such an environment. How we need guidance other than the misinformation we are getting today from people who are rejecting God's word. So this morning I just want us to be very basic and look at that verse in Hebrews 13 verse 4. Now this verse is very straightforward. It is in a list of ethical maxims at the end of this great epistle that has been concerned with two things. One is to stop people drifting away from Christ under the pressures of the world around and, in their case, drift back to their old Jewish beliefs and practices. And two it is concerned to make it crystal clear that Jesus Christ is better than the old Jewish way - and supremely his sacrifice is better - his sacrifice on Calvary was the real thing. All that went before was just like a shadow or a pointer. But here the writer is implying that Christ's way for living is better in everyway. We are to understand it is better for marriage. Verse 1 of Hebrews 13 is about 'love' - 'Keep on loving each other as brothers.' Christian love is not just about 'warm feelings', but practical action and practical restraint - what you have in verse 4. So let's look at this verse. And my three headings are first, MARRIAGE; secondly, SEX; and, thirdly, SIN. First, MARRIAGE The first part of this verse says:

Marriage should be honoured by all.

That is so important for these days. But what is marriage? The Jews, the Greeks and the Romans would all have known what marriage was. They had their own rituals and ways of marking off a marriage relationships from other sorts of sexual liaisons. And you have it made clear in Mark 10.6-9. Jesus there said:

at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' {7} 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, {8} and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. {9} Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

First there has to be 'leaving' of father and mother. Then a free, decisive, definite and socially recognized act of mutual commitment. In our Western advanced societies this is verified by vows publicly made and registered. There are simpler ways in other cultures that this can be done as you can see in the Old Testament. But there has to be this commitment that promises a 'cleaving' or 'uniting' to a marriage partner and it means a life-long and exclusive commitment. and this is consummated in a sexual union, 'the two will become one flesh.' And when that takes place, God does something. Mark 10.9:

what God has joined together, let man not separate.

God is creating a new unity. It is a new 'state' for the couple - the Old Prayer Book called it an 'estate'. Yes, it is an 'institution', a 'structure', but a God-given structure that lasts until death. It is not to be thought of so much as a new relationship in the modern sense of that word. Rather, a marriage is that within which a relationship can take place and grow and, yes, have its ups and downs. Marriage, the bible says, is 'given' - both Jesus and Paul teach that. It is not something that is 'achieved.' It is 'given'. So from and within that gift - that God-provided 'marriage' - you work out the relationship. You are not 'building' a marriage. It is there. It is life-long and cannot be broken. From the security of that knowledge you then work on (and work out) the relationship, and you can do so with a freedom that is emotionally releasing. The marriage gives rise to the relationship, not the relationship the marriage. So marriages can never die. They are not the sorts of things that do die. Relationships can decline (and, indeed, get refreshed) - but not marriages. Marriage is a God-given structure to help with a relationship. But marriage is not only for adult relationships. Equally important - and this has often been forgotten in the therapeutic culture that has evolved since the 1960s - marriage is for children - their care and nurture. And that is why marriage partners need to stay together. And Jesus is so strict on this as you can read in that passage from Mark. But what has happened over recent times? Why is there so much divorce today? Here is Barbara Dafoe Whitehead:

a key element [in the divorce revolution] was the introduction of a new psychotherapeutic ethic governing family life. According to this ethic, individuals had a primary obligation to pursue their own emotional well-being in family relationships and especially marriage. This ethic created a new way of thinking about the meaning and purpose of divorce as well ... divorce became the psychologically healthy response to marital discontents.

But now, writing from America, she says there is a change in the air. There is a growing consensus:

Divorce is not a positive or liberating experience for everyone involved, many therapists now acknowledge. It may improve the well-being of the spouse who seeks it, but it does damage to others: the spouse who does not want to divorce, parents, grandparents and other relatives, and especially, dependent children.

So what does Hebrews say? Marriage should be 'honoured' - valued, - privileged. Is that what is happening in our own society? Not at all! For example, last month you got members of the new Scottish Parliament voting to give travel allowances to their unmarried partners. Partners will be reimbursed for 12 journeys a year between their home and the Parliament in Edinburgh. At Westminster MPs can claim travel expenses only for journeys for their legal spouses. If you are going to honour or privilege marriage, you cannot honour or privilege, by definition, other relationships. The hard reality is that they have to be deprivileged. It is like privileges for disabled drivers. If everyone had their privileges, disabled drivers wouldn't get their special car parking spaces. All can't be winners. But why is marriage not honoured? Sometimes married people find that marriage is not for 'better' but for 'worse'; it is not for 'richer' but for 'poorer'; and it is not in 'health' but in 'sickness'. And they fancy someone else. But that is one of the great purposes of marriage - it is for the ups and downs of relationships. Marriage endures while problems come and go. That is what the promises are all about. But marriage is also dishonoured because it has been assaulted since the last century by Marx, Engels and those who have followed in their wake. Marx and Engels in the Communist Manifesto wrote about:

'the bourgeois clap trap about the family and education, about the hallowed relation of parent and child.

That has been hugely significant in the destruction of marriage and our sexual culture. But God says, 'marriage should be honoured'. Notice secondly, he says, 'marriage should be honoured by all.' There is to be a universality about the honouring of marriage and in three ways. First, it is to be honoured by Christians and by non-Christians. You say, why is that? Answer: because marriage is an ordinance of creation. Marriage was instituted before the fall. Jesus said in Mark 10.6: At the beginning of Creation God 'made them male and female - for this reason a man will leave his father and mother ... Marriage has to do with how the world has been made. It is not just a perk for the Christian. It is best for all human beings. It is good for society; it is good for children; and it is good for adults. Incidentally, research is now finding that the Christian sex ethic of sex just for marriage means greater satisfaction in sexual intercourse for the partners. Secondly, it is to be honoured by single people (and that today includes divorced people) as well as married people. Married people, certainly in a church, have a duty to make sure that single people have their needs met in the fellowship. But single people in a decadent society have a strong voice and a duty to help privilege marriage. By personally being chaste and making sacrifices advocacy for marriage comes all the more strongly from them. And thirdly marriage is to be honoured by homosexual people - that is to say, people with homosexual leanings - as well as by heterosexuals. That means celibacy for all those not married. Yes, it is hard in a sex-mad world. But there are many compensations. God is no man's debtor. Let's move on. Secondly, SEX The next part of Hebrews 13 verse 4 reads:

the marriage bed [should be] kept pure.

Or, in the original that could be a straight indicative, 'the marriage bed is pure'. The Old AV had:

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled.

In that case the writer is saying that 'sex' is good. He needed to say that. There were people to whom he was writing who were getting confused. There were those going around teaching that the material world, including the body, was bad, and so sex was bad. This had a double effect. Some then withdrew from all things material - and certainly from marriage. Sex to them was something nasty. They said that if sex is bad, it can't be anything to do with God, so they engaged in illicit sex. So our writer says, 'sex' is pure. The marriage bed is OK. But it was, and is, only sex in marriage. This is what was so unique about the Jews. The Jews, alone among the people of the Ancient Near East, confined sex, as someone has put it, 'to the marital bottle'. This had a profound effect, at once, on women and elevating the status of women. Some of Israel's near neighbours said they had wives for babies, prostitutes for pleasure, and mistresses for company. But according to the bible with sex reserved for marriage the Jewish, and then the Christian, wife was a source not just for babies but for pleasure and company. She became a true equal to her husband - different, and with a different role, but equal. Thirdly, SIN. Look at the final part of this verse. 'God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.' The bible is clear about this. Ephesians 5.6:

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient.

1 Corinthians 6.9-12:

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders {10} nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. {11} And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. {12}

In the Church at Corinth there were people who had done all sorts of things sexually and maritally. They had sordid or sad histories. And there will be a number like those folk in Corinth here this morning. But remember how Paul concluded what he said to those Corinthians: that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. {12} The gospel is that you don't have to live in your past. You can be cleansed. There is forgiveness at the Cross of Calvary where Christ died in your place and my place to bear our sin and the judgment we deserved. That forgiveness is free. But we can only accept it when we admit our need. We have to admit that we have sinned in what we have done. And when we do that Jesus says to us, as he said to the woman caught in adultery, John 8.11:

neither do I condemn you ... Go now and leave your life of sin.

In conclusion can I say this? I know I have only touched on great and serious issues and, for some, very personal issues. On divorce there is so much more to be said. What about the innocent or abused partner? I have just written a book, Church and State in the New Millennium, that should be published in January and a full chapter is on the subject of divorce and remarriage. Some of you I know want help with this issue. If you can wait just five months, you should find that chapter helpful. In the meantime there are good tapes from the Christian Institute of a meeting with Andrew Cornes (tapes no. DM1 and DM2).