Sex and Relationships

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We’re in a series on Sunday evenings called Living Life to the Full and tonight our topic is Sex and Relationships. So what does it mean to live life to the full in Jesus Christ, in terms of sex and relationships?

Introduction
The sex mad world we live in is confused about sex and relationships. I don’t know if you’ve seen the recent film Africa United about some Rwandan children making their way to the World Cup. It begins with a young boy telling you to use a condom so you can still be sexy, as he puts it. And then he says: Didier Drogba, the Chelsea footballer, says that football is better than sex! Well certainly – I’d better finish the sentence hadn’t I or my wife won’t speak to me again – certainly research shows that sex outside of marriage, apart from being sinful, is neither good for you nor fulfilling whereas married couples enjoy better sex and Christian married couples, on average, enjoy the best and most fulfilling sex.

This is not surprising when the truth is that God created his gift of heterosexual monogamous lifelong marriage to be the structure within which men and women can work out their relationships and designed sex exclusively for marriage. That’s what the Bible teaches in Genesis 2, which is quoted by Jesus in Mark 10.

At the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife [at the wedding], and the two will become one flesh [after the wedding not before – so no sex before or outside the marriage]. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

Sadly the number of marriages registered in England and Wales in 2008 was just 232,990 and tragically there were over 121,000 divorces. That figure for marriages is the lowest in England and Wales since 1895. Less than a quarter were conducted in a Church of England church. 46% of babies in the UK were born outside of marriage in 2008, with the highest percentage being here in the North East where the figure was 57%. There were 700,000 live births in England and Wales but tragically also 200,000 abortions. At the heart of this is the problem of the human heart, sinful rebellion against God, disobedience of Christians too to his Word and selfishness. People need to trust Jesus. But we also need to promote marriage, to promote what God's Word says and why about sexual holiness, God's gifts of marriage and sex within marriage and God's gift of singleness and celibacy to counter the lies of Satan, who wants people to burn in hell (v9).

So can I say two things? First – and perhaps I’m speaking particularly to Christian men who, like I was – just ask my wife, can be slow in the matter of marriage (although it is helpful to men if women are appropriately encouraging and give the right signals) – most Saturdays over the next year and beyond are free for weddings at JPC! In December I will conduct my 100th wedding at JPC so do talk to me. Marriage is God’s good gift for the majority as Genesis 2 makes clear.

But secondly, some of you may be asking, do you need to be married (and so enjoying a sexual relationship within marriage and be blessed with children) to be living life to the full? The answer, according to 1 Corinthians 7, is no. Why? Well essentially the answer is you need to be trusting in Jesus to be living life to the full. God’s grace is sufficient as Paul spells out in 2 Corinthians 12. But also because God’s gift of celibate singleness is also good for those given that gift whether for a time or for life and even has advantages. And we’ll come back to that later.

Now the church at Corinth was confused about these matters just as some of the church is today. Some at Corinth - the "super-spirituals" we can call them - were rejecting sex altogether as something nasty. They were against marriage and over stressed the single life. But others were going in the opposite direction. They would have said: "this world of flesh and blood maybe nasty but it’s so irrelevant compared with the world of the spirit. So it doesn't really matter what we do in our sex lives. If we choose to have sex with a prostitute it doesn't really matter; or if we choose to have a homosexual relationship it doesn't really matter. God is interested in love and compassion and the things of the spirit. He’s not bothered about what we do sexually." But, of course, it does matter. As Paul’s already told them at the end of the previous chapter: “You were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body.”

So the Corinthians wrote to Paul asking him about these matters (v1) and in that verse Paul quotes one of their statements, which literally reads: It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman and therefore not to marry or be married. But although Paul strongly affirms and even prefers God’s gift of celibacy and therefore the single life (v7), Paul also affirms here that monogamous marriage between one man and one woman until death parts them is also the gift and plan of God and that sex is the gift and plan of God within marriage alone. V7:

I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

For those gifted with celibacy and with regard to sex outside marriage Paul would go along with their statement, "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman". But as a statement to justify abstinence in marriage or not getting married at all Paul will have none of it and neither should we. So first


1. MARRIAGE

(a) No abstinence in marriage v1-7

Now some of us might be thinking that this problem of advocating celibacy within marriage seems quite foreign. Yet there can be related problems today. Some Christians continue to view sex as inherently dirty, and others use it in inappropriate ways in marriage, eg as reward or punishment. Studies consistently suggest that married couples engage in sex much less frequently (usually about once a week or less) than the three to four day cycle of peak desire, which at least younger and middle aged men and women, on average, regularly experience.

Certainly Paul's response here in v2 to their statement and to the problem of sexual immorality is "each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband". So Paul is saying no to abstinence in marriage. Perhaps partly because some husbands were being deprived of sexual relations and so were going to the prostitutes. Now Paul doesn’t condone the visits to the prostitutes but he wants the married couples to stay together and to know the joy of sex within marriage. V3-5

3The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

V3 emphasises that loving sexual relations are a 'due' within marriage and v4 tells us why – our bodies are not our own free possession but belong to our spouse. So, v5, "do not deprive each other". Don’t deprive or defraud your spouse of loving sexual relations and although sex is not primarily a duty, there are times when the duty aspect needs to be heard for the sake of the marriage (and for the procreation of children).

But Paul's emphasis here is not on "You owe me", but on, "I owe you". You see not only are loving sexual relations a 'due' within marriage, but they are so because of the unique giving of oneself in Christian marriage. So in marriage I do not have authority over my own body, to do with it as I please and therefore, one cannot deprive the other. There is then an emphasis here on the full mutuality of sexuality within marriage. Sex is still sometimes viewed as the husband's privilege and the wife's obligation. But the marriage bed is both unitive and an affirmation that the two belong to one another in total mutuality.

As a concession (v6) the couple can only deprive one another in order to devote themselves to prayer (v5) but only if both agree and only for a set time. Then (v5) they are to come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of your self-control.

So no abstinence within marriage. In sexual intercourse husbands and wives express both their unity and their mutuality. And v5 not only prohibits the 'defrauding of one another' but also because of v3&4 it prohibits the holding back of sexual relations as a means of manipulation within the marriage relationship. That both abuses sex and destroys mutual love and respect.

(b) No divorce v10-16
In v10-11 we read no divorce for what must be in the context Christian married couples and then in v12-16 we see no divorce for mixed marriages – marriages where only one spouse is a believer. And can I underline that it's a principle which applies to all marriages as we see from Genesis 2 and Mark 10. Look at v10-11of 1 Corinthians 7:

10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

This is a command that the Lord himself gave on this subject from the creational mandate of Genesis 2. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. And Jesus then said in Mark 10:10:

Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.

And here in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul applies the word of Jesus to the wife first and commands her not to separate from or divorce her husband. She is to remain as she is. So no divorce is what is clearly commanded. But, v11, if for any reason she does separate from her husband, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. So no remarriage to someone else for that is adultery as Jesus states. If the Christian husband and wife cannot be reconciled to one another, then how can they expect to become models of reconciliation before a fractured and broken world? "And a husband must not divorce his wife".
And v12-16 – no divorce for mixed marriages. Look at v12-16:

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): if any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Essentially Paul is saying this. When one spouse is a Christian and the other not they’re to stay married. Obviously one prays that the non-Christian spouse becomes a Christian but they are to stay married. The believer is not to initiate divorce (v12&13). If the unbeliever leaves then let them do so. When that happens the believer is not bound to maintain the marriage (v15) but, in the light of v11 and v39, not free to remarry. You see (v15) God's call is to peace, which means that one should maintain the marriage in the hope of the unbelieving spouse's conversion (v16). But what about v14, some of you ask? What does it mean? Well v14 explains why a Christian and a non Christian are to stay married. Some at Corinth believed that a believer sharing the marriage bed with an unbeliever defiled the believing spouse. But Paul here argues that it’s not the believer who is defiled but the unbeliever who is sanctified in their relationship with the believer. You say what does that mean? Well this doesn't mean they’ve acquired salvation or holiness but as long as the marriage is maintained the potential for their realising salvation remains. Secondly


2. CELIBATE SINGLENESS

(a) Either singleness or marriage for the unmarried or widows v8-9

8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion… 25Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. 26Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are... 28But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

Some were saying the single state alone is good. But Paul says, "No! To be single is good but so is being married, even though those who marry will face many troubles." True, in verse 26 he says: Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. But this is clearly specific advice for a specific situation. Paul knew, and we can know from Jesus' teaching and from the rest of the Bible, that marriage is God's calling for most, but singleness is God's calling for some. And there are advantages in that calling. So

(b) The advantages of singleness v25-40
In this section Paul stresses the advantages of the gift of celibate singleness whilst not diminishing the gift of marriage. But first he wants to put both into perspective. Look at v 29ff:

29What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; 30those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

This perspective is important for all of us. Whatever our status, we need to realise that "this world in its present form is passing away" (v31). And marriage, Jesus says, is only for this life. In heaven all will enjoy a more wonderful state. So in the light of eternity, your marriage or singleness problems or, for a few, your homosexual temptations are "light and momentary troubles", as Paul says elsewhere, and "are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor 4:17). As you face them, in Christ's strength, God is working his purposes out for you, for eternity if only you will trust him. Who is engrossed with the things of the world? Well don’t forget that "this world in its present form is passing away” as you think about marriage and singleness. Now look at v 32ff:

32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- 34and his interests are divided. [He then says the same to the unmarried woman or virgin.]

And Jesus says in Mt 19, "others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven." For the sake of the gospel, some forgo marriage, either temporarily or permanently. Listen to John Stott:

In spite of rumours to the contrary, I have never taken a solemn vow or heroic decision to remain single! On the contrary, like most people, I was expecting to marry one day. In fact, during this period I twice began to develop a relationship with a lady who I thought might be God's choice of life partner for me. But I lacked an assurance from God that he meant me to go forward. So I drew back. And when that had happened twice, I naturally began to believe that God meant me to remain single. I'm now eighty nine and well and truly 'on the shelf'! Looking back, with the benefits of hindsight, I think I know why. I could never have travelled or written as extensively as I have done if I had had the responsibilities of a wife and family.

Because of the freedom a single person has they can be more useful in Christian work. That’s what Paul’s suggesting here. There are advantages in being single. Though there can also be struggles, such as with loneliness. But marriage and family are not the only ways out of loneliness. Friendships with people of all ages and both sexes are important and those who are married can help here. There can be sexual temptation and of course not only for single people. But this must be resisted and avoided. Today many in the world think, and even teach, that if you have a sexual drive it must be acted on. But that’s to be animal - not human. The world may call a sexual free for all "self-fulfilment". Jesus and the apostles call it death. As I’ve already mentioned it’s not necessary to be "sexually active" to be fulfilled in life. Jesus was the most fulfilled human ever and he was sexually inactive. There can also be the temptation to self-centredness. "If we’re not careful, we may find the whole world revolving around ourselves," writes one single person. So it’s good to be in a lively Christian fellowship where other believers can make you accountable and take you out of yourself. Again John Stott is worth hearing:

“It is possible for human sexual energy to be redirected both into affectionate relationships with friends of both sexes and into the loving service of others. Multitudes of Christian singles, both men and women, can testify to this. Alongside a natural loneliness, accompanied sometimes by acute pain, we can find joyful self – fulfilment in the self-giving service of God and other people.”

And here in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul is positive about the single life. Single people have greater freedom, greater freedom to serve the Lord. But celibate singleness may not be a gift for life. If not remember

(c) Christians must only marry Christians v39

39A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

Here’s a reminder that death alone frees a person from the marriage bond. So a widow or widower, can remarry - but says Paul, the new partner "must belong to the Lord" - they must be another Christian. That’s such an important principle - Christians must only marry Christians.

And I must conclude: singleness is good, but so is marriage; but keep everything in perspective - the perspective of eternity; and if you are single, praise God for the advantages and face the struggles in God's strength. And remember, God is good. He wants the best for you and me. If you’ve disobeyed him there is forgiveness at the cross. He will forgive if you repent trusting in Jesus. So trust him and then seek to live obediently for him in the future.

Lord God we praise you that we were bought at a price – the price of the death of Jesus on the cross. Help us in response to live trusting him and honouring him with our bodies. We ask this for his name’s sake. Amen.


Recommended books available from the JPC bookstall: Holding Hands, Holding Hearts – Richard & Sharon Philips; Pure Sex – Phillip Jensen; The Single Issue – Al Hsu; Sex is not the problem (Lust is): Sexual Purity in a lust saturated world – Joshua Harris; Sex, Romance & the Glory of God – C.J. Mahaney; Questions about Divorce and Remarriage – Andrew Cornes

The JPC Marriage Preparation Course runs at least twice a year.
The JPC Marriage Course (for those married for 2 - 62 years) starts on February 14th 2011.


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