Marriage And The Family

Last Friday week London Weekend Television were to start a new instant "blind date programme" with the successful callers given a room for the night in a hotel. The other Newcastle Church High School Governors have just adopted a gay rights equal opportunities employment policy. I opposed this and said I would make my opposition known (which I did in June's Coloured Supplement). [Note: in October 1997 the Governors unanimously revoked this decision]. Not so long ago at a national consultation with senior people from the therapeutic agencies and social work I had to make a written statement. I thought it was innocent and irrefutable. I said this:

marriage best secures a stable and enduring relationship with two parents. Society still recognises healthy heterosexual monogamous marriage as the ideal and proper environment for child care and nurture.

The reaction was unbelievable. It was as though I had uttered an obscenity. The media, education, therapeutic services and (as you may have heard on the Radio this morning) the wider church are causing confusion. There is sexual and marital confusion and a "war over the family". And that is why it is essential we go to the Bible to find out what God has to say about these matters. And some of what he says we may not find comfortable. It was Francis Schaeffer who once said:

If we believe the Bible is totally true, we cannot dodge its claims on our lives in sensitive areas such as divorce.

But there is nothing to fear from the truth. At first it may sound hard. But, says Jesus, (John 8:32):

the truth will set you free.

Now, this is a huge subject - Marriage and the Family. We cannot deal with every aspect of it. So this morning I will not primarily be looking at marriage and divorce; nor at marriage and sex; nor at marriage and sexual roles - all of these are vital and the bible has a lot to say in all of these areas. But I will be focusing on marriage and the family but with reference to these other matters.. And you must not ignore what the Bible says. You can, but to your cost. I had a letter last week saying my car needs servicing. I don't want to have my car serviced. I am so busy this coming week. Why bother to have the oil cleared out? It's been good enough for a year. Why not keep the oil for another year? Well, I could ignore the servicing requirements. But after several years doing that the car would seize up. I can clean the outside of it. I can put gadgets inside. But if I persist in ignoring the maker's instructions the car one day will be immobile and dangerous. This century that is what men and women have done with God's instructions for marriage and the family What is the result? 1 in 3 babies are born outside marriage and Britain is now the divorce capital of Europe. Is that good? No! Children suffer. The adults involved suffer. And society suffers. Read the research of Norman Dennis. Read Professor A.H.Halsey of Oxford. But we must not be judgmental. Who is more guilty? Some poor teenage girl who has got herself pregnant after a one night stand? Or some respectable and personally moral Christian, in government, in the Civil Service, in a school, or as a doctor who never taught, or pushed for teaching, the rightness of keeping sex for marriage? And they never helped put in place "abstinence programmes" programmes that teach virginity until marriage. They hadn't the courage to speak out. Instead, in some committee, or wherever, they allowed through appalling sex education policies. They connived at so called safer sex programmes that induce earlier sexual experimentation. Evil prevails when good men and good women do nothing. In America they have now discovered that abstinence programmes do reduce teenage pregnancy. So Congress has voted and President Clinton has signed the new 1996 Welfare Reform Act. This mandates a statutory $50,000,000 a year for the next five years for sexual "abstinence programmes" in schools. This explicitly may not be used for safer sex programmes. That, of course, is not broadcast on our media; nor is the research that backs it up. Of course, there can be no "holier than thou" attitude. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But the good news is that at the cross there is forgiveness for every sin. That includes sexual, marital and family sins. And remember that Jesus said to respectable, unbelieving Capernaum, in Matthew 11.23-24:

If the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Sodom, it would have remained to this day. But I tell you that it will be more bearable for Sodom on the day of judgment than for you.

So much by way of introduction. This morning I simply want to look at some PRINCIPLES and then at some common RESPONSES. And I want us to look at Malachi 2 and Mark 10, our bible readings. First, then, PRINCIPLES. Look at Malachi 2.14-16:

the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. {15} Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. {16} "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel.

Now verse 15 is difficult to be sure about. But the NIV translation is clear. And it fits in with Jesus teaching in Mark 10.6-9:

at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' {7} 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, {8} and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. {9} Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

And there are five principles we can see here. The first is this: marriage is a creation ordinance. Jesus relates marriage to God's creation intention. That means it has to do with the way we are made as human beings - the way the world is. You can no more alter or ignore marriage - which is heterosexual monogamous marriage - than you can alter or ignore the laws of gravity when you are on the edge of a precipice. And marriage has 3 goals or "goods" - as the Theologians say - children, sex and supportive companionship. And sex is for marriage alone. There is to be no "one flesh", until there is a uniting of a man and his wife, and a leaving of father and mother. In confining sex exclusively to marriage, the Judaeo-Christian tradition was quite unique among the religions of the Ancient Near East. It eroticized marriage. In so doing it upgraded the status of women. Other religions and traditions (the Greek, for example), often saw wives and marriage as for babies. They had prostitutes for pleasure; and mistresses for company. The teaching of the Bible and of Jesus collapses, as it were, those three roles into one. That produces motherhood, sexual pleasure and love bound together in a father committed family - which is good for society and good for individuals - certainly it is good for women and children. So, first, marriage is God's creative intention. The second principle is that in marriage God is doing something. Malachi 2. 15:

Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his.

Mark 10.9:

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

Jesus says that God is joining a man and a woman together in marriage. That is the mystery of divine sovereignty and human freedom. Human choice, the vows, the witnesses, the registration, the sexual fulfilment are what the couple ensure. But it is God who then joins that couple together. Something supernatural happens. That is why you cannot break the bond. Marriage is something God gives. Within marriage you then, of course, must work out a relationship. The relationship can go up and down. But the marriage doesn't do that. It is not the sort of thing that goes up or down. Rather it is a status and structure that God gives. The creation ordinance of lifelong marriage is the support and the under-girding to help men and women work out their relationships. The third principle is seen in Jesus quoting Genesis. Jesus says that God made them "male and female" not "female and male"; and that it is a man that is united to his wife, and not a woman that is united to here husband - that is the wording. The bible sees the sexes as equal but different. There are some roles for the man that are not open to the woman; in the same way as there are roles for the woman not open to the man. The fourth principle, according to Malachi, is that children are key in God's intention for marriage. Malachi 2 verse 15:

Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.

And did you notice in Mark's Gospel that immediately after Jesus' teaching on marriage and divorce, there is that incident with little children. The disciples didn't think children were important. But Jesus sees them as supremely important. In the 1960s many thought marriage was primarily for adult satisfaction and happiness. The care and nurture of children took a back seat. But the world is now seeing the consequences soaring divorces, the growth of dysfunctional families, an increase in youth crime, sexually transmitted disease and adult misery. So more and more today are seeing that marriage is not just about adult happiness. Marriage, certainly across the Atlantic, is now being seen once again for children. It is, as someone has said, "the bedrock of stable families, strong communities and a healthy society." Studies are now showing us that, apart from abuse cases, it is in general not in the best interests of the children for parents to separate. It is not true that a good divorce is better than a bad marriage. So marriage is for the children as well as for companionship between adults. How we need to remember that today. The fifth principle is this: Jesus must be our final guide in these matters of marriage and the family. God spoke about our subject, in the words of Hebrews 1.1 ...

... at many times and in various ways.

There was an evolving understanding. That is why you must go to Jesus for God's final and full revelation. Earlier, for example, "polygamy" was permitted in the Old Testament and adultery only related to married women. But Jesus did not endorse those partial understandings of God's will. As we see in Mark, he goes back to God's intention. And he said, in Mark 10 verse 11:

"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. {12} And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.

In saying that at one stroke he banned polygamy. If divorce followed by a second marriage is adultery against your first wife, then how much more is it adultery against her if you take another wife without a divorce. Then again the Old Testament had provisions for stoning an adulteress. But Jesus said to the Pharisees when they brought him such a woman, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone" (John 8.7). He then said to the woman, "neither do I condemn you." But he added, "Go now and leave your life of sin." There was with Jesus that mixture of greater strictness and firmness over sin, but also compassion, and an unwillingness to act in a barbaric way. So fifthly, Jesus must be our final guide on these matters of marriage and the family. Well, there are a few of the principles on marriage and the family that you have in these verses. What are some of the common RESPONSES? First, in marriage and the family there can be a perversion of God's intention. God's intention as you see in Ephesians 5 is for the husband to love his wife self-sacrificially. His headship is to be exercised through service, not domination. But sadly some men think they can dominate their wives. Similarly one of God's intentions for the wife is that she should recognize that her husband does have unique responsibilities for the family that he will have to answer to God for one day. She should support him in this and in that sense be under him. But in the same way as there are dominant husbands, so there are bossy wives. Secondly, marriage can be elevated while singleness is denigrated. This, too, is so wrong. One of the unique things about the teaching of Jesus and the early church of the New Testament was the strict sexual and marriage ethic. But also unique to Jesus, compared with many contemporary Jews, was his concern for women and his promotion of singleness. In the New Testament singleness is not seen as a failure to be married but as a gift and a great blessing. Jesus himself was single. Paul was single. Paul said this in 1 Corinthians 7.7:

I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

And, remember, marriage is only for this life, not for heaven, said Jesus. Yes, married people will be reunited and in new and better relationships. But in heaven there will be no giving in marriage. There may be someone here that has made a mess of their marriage. You are divorced and on your own. Your divorce is not a blessing. But your singleness is. God can use it. It is like a gift. Or perhaps you have never been married and now think that you may never be married. You sometimes feel slightly inferior when you are with married people. That is wrong. You are not inferior. If you read Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, he is not ascetic, he is not anti-sex, but he is certainly pro-singleness. And thirdly, the family can be wrongly elevated and idolized. Yes, the family is vital. But it is meant to be a part of a wider fellowship in the church, the body of Christ. I must CONCLUDE. The first verse of our Psalm this morning was Psalm 119 verse 105:

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

How we need the lamp of God's word in the moral and social confusions of today. Can I ask again,"is anyone facing major marriage or family problems at the moment?" If so, of course, there can be a myriad of causes and factors. That is why you might like to talk to someone like Joan Parker, our pastoral worker who has expertise in these areas. But the first question you need to ask yourself is, am I submitting to God's word? Am I following his rules? Or am I just doing what all my friends do or I see on TV? The Bible says, (Prov 14:12):

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

If you are being openly disobedient, you must stop. If you are having a wrong relationship with someone, you must stop that relationship. Paul knew the depths of immorality that people could sink to. He lived and worked in Corinth, one of the most immoral cities the world has ever known. There were people in the church who had very sordid pasts. And so he writes to the Corinthians, 1 Cor 6.9-11:

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders {10} nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. {11} And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Maybe there's someone here this morning who has never yet turned to Christ as Saviour and Lord. You have never admitted that you are a sinner. And that is to admit not just the consequences of your sin and the mess you are in and feeling sorry for that. No! Repentance is being aware that you yourself are a sinner; and that you have gone your way and not God's way and that you deserve God's judgment. The good news is that if you truly confess your sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive you your sins and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. And he will strengthen you with his Holy Spirit for the future. He does that through Christ who bore our sins himself on the cross of Calvary. And you can turn to Christ in simple faith just as you sit there this morning. Let me summarise. Marriage is a creation ordinance; an individual marriage is a structure and union that God himself creates - it is not just an engaged couple that decide it; the sexes are equal but different; the care of children is key; and Jesus is to be our authority and interpreter of marital and family ethics. Yes, you can pervert God's intention for sexual roles; marriage can be wrongly elevated and singleness denigrated. And so can the family. How do you live faithfully? By seeking God's forgiveness and his Holy Spirit; by stopping to do what is wrong; and by listening to and obeying God's word and not current fashion.