An affair of the heart

Good morning! Please do take a seat. I’m really sorry but I’m afraid there are no graphics for the talk this morning as I missed my deadline.

We’ve been working our way through the Ten Commandments and today we come to number 7: Do not commit adultery. I am well aware that this commandment, especially, needs careful handling. That is because it touches on the whole area of sex and relationships and marriage – and I know that this area can be really difficult and painful to talk and think about for many (if not all) of us. And I only have 18 minutes for this talk! So although the applications from this commandment are huge, we cannot hope to cover, comprehensively, every area of application. My hope is that what we do cover, we can do carefully, sensitively and persuasively. But we definitely need God’s help this morning, so let me pray for us:

[opening prayer]

Today we have just four words in our text (the 7th commandment) which says do not commit adultery. I’d like to tackle that by asking and then answering three questions. First – what does this command teach us? Second – why is this a good thing? Third – how can we keep it?

1. What does this commandment teach us?

Let’s begin by defining adultery. Here’s my definition: “Sexual activity or intimacy by someone who’s married with someone who is not their spouse”. And that is ruled out. You must not commit adultery. And that is the seventh of the Ten Commandments given by a loving God to the people he had rescued from slavery in Egypt – they sum up how to live life God’s way. The laws didn’t make them God’s people. It is how they were to live because they are God’s people. They are given to show us how we are to flourish and live the good life.

There are a good number of families in our church that have adopted children – which is a wonderful thing. And it’s worth saying, as an aside, that it would be good to work on how we can support you as a whole church. But let me use your family as an example here. When a new child comes home, as adopted parents you will begin telling them the ‘family rules’ – how things are done in your house, what behaviour is accepted and so on. But following those family rules is not how those children become part of your family. It’s how they should live because they are part of your family. And so it is for the 10 commandments. These are God’s rules that remain true for all time. This is how we too are to live as God’s children. Jesus summed them up as love God and love one another.

And what happens when those adopted children break the rules? It not the case that in order to remain in the family they must be perfect! But when they do wrong it does need to be dealt with – forgiveness needs to be asked for and things put right. And so it is with God and his commands. Sins need to be recognised as sins, then confessed. And God has promised that he forgive those who seek that.

That’s the context for the commandments. And the 7th teaches us that sexual activity or intimacy by someone who’s married with someone who is not their spouse is not right. It protects marriage as given to us by the God who created us. And that begs the question what exactly is marriage? That is best summed up in Genesis 2.24 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

One man. One woman. Committed to each other. And only each other. For life. When Jesus teaches about marriage, he quotes this verse from Genesis and goes on to say (Matthew 19.6):

What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate

Marriage is a spiritual covenant expressed by the giving of one another body, soul and mind. Husband and wife are bound together – as one flesh. There is to be no sexual intimacy with others. It is to be an exclusive bond – one of mutual submission and loving service. But it not an inward looking one. Hand in hand they are to support and help one another to serve God’s purposes in ways they could not do alone. Illustrated perhaps most clearly by the gift of children, though of course not always guaranteed. Both the man and the women are to work together. Not just to create the children but to nurture and raise them. This is the Biblical worldview. It is radical. It is daunting and yet extremely compelling. But it is often painted as a legal bind. Loveless and boring, or else abusive. And certainly bad for your sex life. But marriage is the right context for sex – which God deisgned to be fun, and express and deepens what is true about marriage – that man and wife now belong together - each needing one another, knowing one another exclusively and without reserve. So this command instructs those who are married to hold fast and stay faithful to their spouse. It is about faithfulness in marriage. Adultery is a terrible act of betrayal. It does not undo the marriage – that is for life. But it has a shattering effect on the relationship and there is a very real danger of destroying the family’s life for good. So, the 7th commandment teaches us: stay committed to your husband or wife and don’t cheat on them.

But it also teaches us more generally about what is right and wrong about sex. So the 7th commandment is also for those who are not married. God is not against sex. He created it. And he created it to be fun. But marriage is the only right and safe space for sex. And while it is deeply counter-cultural to say this: two people who are not married should not be sexually intimate. The Bible calls that sexual immorality and it is against God’s design for us. At this stage, can I make two things clear. The first is for those who feel smug. Jesus showed us just how extensively the application of this commandment is. In Matthew 5.27 when he taught:

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

In other words, as Kevin de Young puts it:

Even if we don’t commit the physical act with our sexual organs, we can still be guilty of sexual sin by means of our thoughts, our fantasies, our reading, our clicking and our affections. [The 10 Commandments, Kevin de Young, p118]

So I take it that no one in this room – or indeed in history (apart from Jesus himself) has not in some way or other broken this commandment. And that fact makes the good news of the gospel so precious - there is forgiveness for all who have sinned. And that includes the 7th commandment. The second thing is about the biblical view of sex. God is not anti-sex! In fact, by restricting it to marriage, God makes it greater than perhaps we realise. God thinks sex is fantastic – it’s just got to be with your spouse. But the Bible challenges the deeply destructive view that your life isn’t worth living if you aren’t sexually active. It challenges the lie that a life without sex is no life at all. Marriage is for this world only – in the next we will neither marry nor [be] … given in marriage (Matthew 22.30). And marriage points beyond itself, to the relationship between Christ and the church. So marriage – and sex are is not ultimate. Sam Allberry:

It’s not fundamental to wholeness and human flourishing. Jesus demonstrates this point in both his teaching and his lifestyle. After all, the most fully human person ever was celibate all his life.[www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/isnt-the-christian-view-of-sexuality- dangerous-and-harmful]

So what does this commandment teach us? Faithfulness in marriage and sexual intimacy only with someone you are married to. I’m well aware that this understand of sex and relationships is viewed by many as harmful and dangerous. Which is why we need to ask our second question: why is this a good thing?

2. Why is this a good thing?

I have no idea what you make of all this but the Christian claim is that God knows what is best for us because he created us. And as we remember at this communion service, he suffered and died as our saviour. So, we know he wants what is best for us. His commands are for our good, and for our protection.

Let me cover just a few of glimpses that God’s commands are good and true and make sense. However much ‘traditional marriage’ may be written off as outdated, restrictive and limiting when it happens to you the lived-out universal experience is that adultery is one of the most excruciatingly painful experiences anyone can have. That reaction is right – adultery is very wrong. God knows that because he made us. The seriousness of adultery is also underlined in the way that it isn’t just the individual directly involved who are impacted - the devastating consequences are felt far and wide. Or to put that positively, Faithful, healthy marriages are not just good for the family, they are good for the whole community. Couples facing the impact of adultery have been known to work through it, find forgiveness, rebuilt trust and restore their relationship. It is possible. But it’s a tough path. And the consequences of sin still have to be lived with. As CS Lewis observed:

Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive. [Mere Christianity, 1952, C.S. Lewis]

But a consequence of adultery can be separation and the breakdown of the family unit – with both immediate and long-term impact on the whole family, especially any children, and beyond that to wider society. It’s not just adultery that has an impact. For example, have a look at the website www.fightthenewdrug.org It’s not a Christian website. But they set themselves the task of raising awareness on the harmful effects of pornography using only science, facts, and personal accounts. Their conclusion? Decades of studies from respected institutions have demonstrated significant impacts of porn consumption for individuals, relationships, and society. God knows that because he made us.

I don’t know if you saw it, but just last week the BBC ran an interesting article called: Was moral campaigner Mary Whitehouse ahead of her time? Worth looking up if not! Apparently if you’re under forty you won’t have heard of her, but she campaigned, against, among other things, pornography. Her successes include the 1978 Protection of Children Act, which criminalised for the first time the making of indecent images of children. She was a Christian, but her views were considered bigoted and backward and she was mocked and ridiculed in her time. But now as the consequences of pornography and easily available sexual images are becoming evident, especially on children, her legacy is being revisited. The article asks: do her diaries reveal a woman who was ahead of her time in warning about the corrosive impact of internet pornography on society?

One final aspect to draw out here. Remember Jesus teaching in Matthew 5.27 where he said:

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Last week we saw that Jesus taught that murder was the outward act that came from a sinful heart – so anger was the root from which murder came. Well Jesus goes on to teach that lust is at the heart of adultery. As is sex outside of marriage. It all stems from lust. What is lust? It is to desire to take and have something that is off limits. It is all about meeting my needs and desires. It treats the other person as someone to consume to meet my needs. Lust is not about loving but rather using and abusing one another. It causes us to turn in on oneselves and we seek to get at any cost what I want for me rather than focus on loving another. So although God’s command and design for marriage may seem to be outdated and oppressive, the alternative to it is to relate to one another in ways that are primarily driven by lust. Marriage diverts us away from using others for our own gratification to truly loving them. It guides us to lifelong commitment where we learn to love and serve. Because in both true friendship and marriage the pathway to loving my neighbour is one of self-sacrifice.

3. How can we keep this commandment?

Two big applications. If you’re married stay faithful do not commit adultery. If you’re not married avoid sexual immorality. I’m aware that we’ll all bee in different places with this. Perhaps some of us are tempted by these things. We’re toying with the idea, intrigued and attracted in a direction that we know is wrong, running through in our mind various possibilities. Listen to God. Believe him that this path is dangerous and wrong. 1 Corinthians 6.18 (read earlier) says this:

Flee from sexual immorality

This tells us to run away from wrong use of sex. It is serious. Dipping your toes in the water, promising yourself you’ll not get in too deep is no good at all. Go nowhere near – turn around and run in the opposite direction. Claim the promise of 1 Corinthians 10.12 that he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Ask his Holy Spirit for help but don’t go there.

It may be that you’re a step beyond that. You know (at some level at least) that what you are doing right now goes against this word from God, but you don’t really want to face up to it. At least not yet. Like a teenager who knows he needs to get up for school, but he wants to stay under the warm covers for as long as he can get away with. Perhaps you’re happy where you are right now. But God know. Keeping this command means you need to stop. Confess to God and to a trusted friend. 1 Corinthians 6.19-20:

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

Finally, maybe you are all too aware of having fallen short in this area – whether in the past or the present. For many, this is an area of ongoing and seemingly never-ending struggle. You know it is wrong, and the guilt feels like a crushing weight. Then seek forgiveness at the cross. In Jesus we find forgiveness, and are washed clean. His Spirit strengthens us in the battle against sin and by grace we will see progress. Reject the lie that living God’s way is impossible and press on, knowing there can be change. And hold on to the sure and certain hope we have that one day, when Jesus return, we will be made whole and this struggle with sin will be over.

Can I say that one of the helps God provides so we can live his way is by teaching us how to reach out to others for help so we can support one another in our struggles and failures. That involves being honest about our failings and bringing sin into the light confessing to God and with a few carefully chosen others. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed (James 5.16). That’s doesn’t come easily but a safe space to do that is one of the greatest blessings from God and a means of experiencing his grace. So single, or married seek out and nurture friendships where that can happen. And we need to work hard a creating a culture here where that can happen. And such a culture is why, I think, so many have found our Celebrate Recovery group a great place to work through struggles of all kinds, including in this area. A safe place to be honest and open and be pointed to Jesus. And of course it may be that you have been badly hurt by the sins of others in this area – perhaps adultery or sexual abuse. Know that the Lord Jesus knows and he loves you and he cares for you and he will and he can heal you.

We also need to be honest here and recognise that marriage isn’t easy and most marriages have rough patches. That’s not surprising –marriage reveals our sin, exposes our sinful desires, and requires us to practice costly forgiveness. Not everything will come easily. It will need much commitment and work at times. Marriage is after all two sinners learning (till death parts them) how to apply the gospel of grace. That’s why we try and prepare couples well for marriage and support them within it. So if you do need encouragement and support then please speak up.

So how can we keep this command? Two big applications: If you’re married stay faithful – do not commit adultery. If you’re not married avoid sexual immorality. Two ‘do not’s. So Let me end with some ‘do’s. Here are some insights from Jen Wilkins that I appreciate:

Those committed to keeping the seventh word become their sister’s keeper, working to end sex trafficking and rehabilitate those it has exploited. They advocate for victims of sexual abuse. They work to raise a generation of sons and daughters who understand pornography as lethal, not just to the individual or to marriages, but to the community. They fight against messages and images that objectify women and men. And they embrace and model sexual fidelity.